Keith Beale? Or is it Howard Olbermann?

My fellow Americans,

So, I was on Huffington Post today because I hate my brain, and I saw that Keith Olbermann is all done at MSNBC. Apparently his contract ran out and MSNBC is not renewing it. A lot of people are saying it has something to do with NBCU being bought by Comcast. This I can’t say, maybe it is, or maybe it was something totally different. I do know, however, that Countdown had very good ratings for a very long time. Myself, I’m not that big of a fan of Olbermann, I would catch the show once and awhile, but mostly I watched just because I was waiting for Maddow to come on. On tonight’s show he gave a heartfelt fare-thee-well were he thanked his viewers and the people on his staff. At the beginning of his speech he mentioned the “I’m as mad as Hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore” scene from the movie “Network”. With that in mind I’d like to do something fun that I thought would be very appropriate. This is a speech given by Howard Beale played by Peter Finch in the movie “Network” with minor changes to make it fit Olbermann’s cancellation. I will put the changed dialogue in brackets.

“[Keith Olbermann was cancelled] today! [Keith Olberman] was the [host of Countdown on MSNBC], and he [was cancelled] at [nine] o’clock this [evening], and woe is us! We’re in a lot of trouble!

So. A rich little man with white hair [was cancelled]. What has that got to do with the price of rice, right? And *why* is that woe to us? Because you people, and sixty-two million other Americans, are listening to me right now. Because less than three percent of you people read books! Because less than fifteen percent of you read newspapers! Because the only truth you know is what you get over this tube. Right now, there is a whole, an entire generation that never knew anything that didn’t come out of this tube! This tube is the Gospel, the ultimate revelation. This tube can make or break presidents, popes, prime ministers… This tube is the most awesome God-damned force in the whole godless world, and woe is us if it ever falls in to the hands of the wrong people, and that’s why woe is us that [Keith Olbermann was cancelled]. Because [MSNBC] is now in the hands of [Comcast]. There’s a new Chairman of the Board, a man called [Gerald L. Hassell], sitting in [an] office on the twentieth floor. And when [one of the] largest companies in the world controls the most awesome God-damned propaganda force in the whole godless world, who knows what shit will be peddled for truth on [MSNBC]?

So, you listen to me. Listen to me: Television is not the truth! Television is a God-damned amusement park! Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, side-show freaks, lion tamers, and football players. We’re in the boredom-killing business! So if you want the truth… Go to God! Go to your gurus! Go to yourselves! Because that’s the only place you’re ever going to find any real truth.

But, man, you’re never going to get any truth from us. We’ll tell you anything you want to hear; we lie like hell. We’ll tell you that, uh, Kojak always gets the killer, or that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker’s house, and no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don’t worry, just look at your watch; at the end of the hour he’s going to win. We’ll tell you any shit you want to hear. We deal in *illusions*, man! None of it is true! But you people sit there, day after day, night after night, all ages, colors, creeds… We’re all you know. You’re beginning to believe the illusions we’re spinning here. You’re beginning to think that the tube is reality, and that your own lives are unreal. You do whatever the tube tells you! You dress like the tube, you eat like the tube, you raise your children like the tube, you even *think* like the tube! This is mass madness, you maniacs! In God’s name, you people are the real thing! *WE* are the illusion! So turn off your television sets. Turn them off now. Turn them off right now. Turn them off and leave them off! Turn them off right in the middle of the sentence I’m speaking to you now! TURN THEM OFF…”

That pretty much sums up how I feel about news television. I hope you enjoyed.

Thank you, God bless you, and God bless America.